My eyes closed tightly,
I’m marching blindly;
Pretending that everything is fine.
With eyes wide open;
Fire and families.
Tell me when, where, and how.
Close my eyes again
And imagine tranquil scenery.
The sirens ring
And shatter my broken dream.
Pieces, parts, and open hearts
Spilled out onto the empty floor.
Ripped open by my broken dreams.
We’ve come to face reality;
Shit happens.
But keep your head held high.
Not today, not yesterday, and not tomorrow.
We were born to lead.
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Dear Mr. DJ,
ReplyDeleteI liked a few things in this, first off was how "dream" went into "dreams" because it is such a smooth and nice transition. Second off, how you rhymed the first two lines because when I read that I thought you had a rhyme scheme but you pulled it off very well with out the rhyme scheme. And third off this poem reminds me of false faced animals. They are animals that make it look like they have a second face, or atleast thats my name for them. I think the people are predators and he has his false face on so they won't come in for the kill as he has already lost everything.
True that, shit happens. I liked that line cause it is just so true. But the second to last line seems a little lost to me, i got lost when i got there. But the imagery fo the piece is awesome because i can picture hearts on the floor and how the sirens break into someones happy place.
ReplyDeleteLines 9 and 10 stuck out the most to me. They reminded me of the Book Anthem.Or any period of history with Communism. The feelings that rise are lonelyness, fear, and the thought of controlled chaos.
ReplyDeleteWow, this is a really touching poem. They way you wrote really helps me put myself into character and feel what the character in your poem must have felt, among all of that desperation and bad luck. The way you ended it though was well done as well- I felt this contrast and sudden change, sort of like a little bright light oh hope among all the ruin and destruction he was stuck in. Your title or main stanza really stands out as well, the one that goes "Pieces, Parts and Open Hearts."
ReplyDeleteyooooooooooooooo wsupp. i enjoyed reading our poem. The theme to me sounded like "Welcome to the real world " type of thing. but try adding a lil more detail. Thpoem is a little vague. But other than that great job and great poem keep it up.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your poem. The line that stands out the most was "But keep your head held high.
ReplyDeleteNot today, not yesterday, and not tomorrow.
We were born to lead," because of this stanza, you ended your poem nicely.
The line that stands out to me the most is "Pieces, parts, and open hearts." I like how you break conventional rhyme scheme here with an internal rhyme. Also, it seems symbolic of the chaos and pain that exist simultaneously. I'm confused when I read the last line because it doesn't quite fit with the mood of the poem. However, it could work if you make it feel like more of a natural transition.
ReplyDeleteI think that the fourth stanza really struck me the most because you blame it on your "broken dreams" for the spilling of "pieces, parts and broken hearts" unto the floor. I'm a little confused about the line when you say. "not today, not yesterday, and not tomorrow" because I'm not really sure what you're talking about. I agree with you, things happen, but we have to keep our heads held high. But overall great poem! :)
ReplyDeleteI really think your title works. I like that you took it from a line in your poem and also that it makes sense and has a meaning on it's own. The line that really stands out to me is My eyes closed tightly,
ReplyDeleteI’m marching blindly; because it has flow and imagery to it. Oh, and it reminds me of my favorite song called Marchin On =)
I WAS going to be nice, but then you decided to mess with my computer monitor. Good oneeee. Your last line, "We were born to lead." wasn't as confusing as it was unecessary. I don't think that needed to be there, because at the beginning of your poem ytou started out alone, and then suddenly you're all "we" at the end, how did that happen?
ReplyDelete